I had a hard mental day the other day. I just did. There was no fighting it, I just had to feel it and feel it all. Rose colored glasses we put on a lot of times hinder our vision to see the truth and the truth is exactly what we need at that moment. Eyes to see, emotions to feel, and then we can gain perspective and put our big girl panties back on. Thursday Ramblings.
As I’m typing this, there is a little voice that keeps whispering “don’t talk about that. this is a ‘farm’ blog. wait, what?” Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I can remember in high school writing until my hand would cramp so bad I would be forced to stop. It wasn’t until I had kids that I burned those journals (yeah, I know) just so my own children wouldn’t find them one day and realize I didn’t have it all together.
FIGHT OR FLIGHT
I value the fact that I can take a tragedy, a fight or flight situation and jump into high gear. I quickly take control, make plans, execute the said plans, and make things better. The problem with that is that the situation can become so focused that I lose myself in the process.
There have been a few times in my life that have been so devastating that the part of my body that usually kicks in, can’t. Fear has paralyzed me while feeling like I have lost the ability to breath. Last year was one of those times. I was faced with something that I have come to realize I am still having to deal with emotionally. The repercussions of that event has left me with a post traumatic symptom like effect.
I remember when Jackson(our 3rd) was about 6 months old, I fell while holding him. I don’t mean just like a tumble, I mean I lost my footing so bad he went flying through the air and landed on concrete. The ambulance was called, I kept him awake while tears streamed down my face. Thank God he was just fine, but gosh that event changed me to the core. Side note: this is when my chronic back pain began. That fall changed the health of my back forever.
Back to the other day. Something just felt off in me all dang day. I couldn’t pin point it, but I was agitated, my chest felt heavy, and I didn’t realize it, but panic was starting to set in. My heart rate was increasing and the ability to breath was getting harder. Being a nurse I should have seen the signs, but again…those rose colored glasses can alter what we want to see. I was having a panic attack. The events from the week before were triggering that post traumatic symptom to take a hold there was no stopping it.
PANIC SETS IN
A new heartbreaking family event had occurred the week prior and it was now showing its ugly head a week later in my own body. It had taken a week of me going into the flight or fight mentality until the severity of the situation was too much for my own body to handle. Does that make sense? Think of it like this…you get into a car accident (a really bad one), your bruised up and sore, but what you went through doesn’t fully show up until you get back into a car a week later. That’s the best way I can describe it.
It took a full 24 hours for my body to come down, but the following day I had realized what had happened. After reflecting on what traumas have occurred in my 40 years of life, my body had every reason to freak out.
Faith has an incredible way of guiding you in the right direction, but that doesn’t mean life will be easy. Faith is not seeing something and still believing. I have heard God’s voice just a few times in my life. No, I don’t mean audibly, but more of a deep down in my soul feeling that I knew 100% it was HIM. That has guided me more times that I can count. And in those moments of despair, that is what has kept my head above water.
What I know without a shadow of a doubt:
“God gives me strength when I am weary.” Isaiah 40:29
“God is my refuge in times of trouble” Psalm 9:9
“When I ask HIM God gives me wisdom” James 1:5
So what is the whole point of this Thursday Ramblings post? You are NOT alone. We’re all going through our own tragedies, but you will not only make it out, but be a better human being because of those lessons learned from the darkest of times. You can be a light for someone else struggling. You are enough. Do not let fear tell you otherwise.